The Ride Home

She’d thought nothing of the comment when she’d made it, even knowing he had been within earshot. It was nothing he hadn’t heard her say a dozen times before and, while she knew he didn’t quite agree with her, he never made much of a fuss, but tonight, in front of his friends, it had been different. His attitude had changed immediately. For once, he’d actually been smiling and laughing  in the crowd and hadn’t looked as though he wanted to bolt for the door, but as soon as she saw his face after turning around, she knew they’d be in the truck for the ride home sooner than later. She moved away, hoping to give him some time and space to get back into the mood, especially as his team was ahead and looked assured of victory. That, and a few more beers should make him forget she thought as she moved around the room, smiling and making small talk with others that didn’t have a reason to root for one team in the fight.

The peace lasted about twenty minutes. Something exciting was going on in the game and the mood of the crowd had gotten more boisterous. She was talking in a corner, forgetting where she was for a moment when she felt the hand on her upper arm and heard, “Time to go,” She turned around quickly, pretending the conversation she was in meant nothing.

“The game’s not over yet,” she said. “Don’t you want to see the rest of it?”

“No, they’re going to lose and one of us has to work tomorrow.” She didn’t respond that she was the only one that really had to work in the morning, but instead turned and made her quick goodbye and went to the bedroom to grab her jacket. He lingered in the corner with her last conversation partner for a moment which made her smile and think, “What are you going to do?” before he turned and followed her. He stood in the doorway of the bedroom as she shuffled through the pile of jackets to find hers. “Hurry up, it’s late,” he said after just a few seconds and she breathed a silent sigh of relief when she found it in the next turn of the pile. 

“Got it. Let me say bye to Susie and Mark and we can go,” she said as she headed towards the door. He took a half-step to his left, still in the opening.

“They don’t need you bothering them in the middle of the party.” He looked straight at her and she didn’t flinch. 

“What are you going to do,” she asked out loud this time. She wasn’t worried about him touching her so the proximity wasn’t the issue, but it felt like yet another control to her and she pushed past him. “I’m going to say bye. I’m not rude.” She knew that wasn’t the smartest thing to say to defuse the situation, but she didn’t care. She made her way through the crowd and found the hostess. “Hey, thank you for inviting us. We have to go. Monday will be here before you know it.” The other woman touched her arm, but leaned back as though to appraise her.

“Thank you for coming, I hope you both had a good time.” She looked around, but he had already walked out. The touch on her arm got heavier. “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, you know. It’s been a long day and a few beers don’t help. He’ll be fine in the morning…we’ll be fine, I mean.” The touch lingered and she melted a little bit to the spot as though she wasn’t going to be able to make the walk outside and would be puddled there until things calmed down. After a moment, she shook her head. “I’ll be fine. You know how he is.”

The other woman gave her another squeeze before letting go. “You’ve got my number, honey. Call me anytime you want, no matter what time it is.” She wanted to fall into her arms and hug her, but she just nodded her head in understanding, turned and, without looking around the room, walked outside where she let herself into the passenger side of the running vehicle. He was silent as she buckled in and he put it in gear and drove away. The silence was loud, but she was unsure how best to break it. Finally, she started to talk about the game, hoping to distract him enough that he would get over it before it came out of his mouth. She could see his spare, tight face illuminated in the intervals of light from the streetlamps they passed. The truck was going too fast, which was another signal she had learned in the course of their time together, and they were both on the wrong side of blood-alcohol level to be having a serious conversation so she tried to steer to the side of safety.

“It was a good game at least,” she said at last. “I know it wasn’t what either of us wanted, but that was better than watching a blowout as usual.”

“There hasn’t been a blowout in years. They’re always good games. When’s the last time you actually watched a Super Bowl instead of treating it like a social event?”

She wasn’t sure of the truth of his statement and decided it wasn’t worth questioning at the moment. As for treating it like a social event, she really hadn’t cared who won the game and she was having fun talking to other people rather than sitting at home yet again, watching him and walking on eggshells.“I watch pretty much every year, but I guess I haven’t paid that much attention to the games since Denver beat the Panthers. My Broncos were always good for a big win” she replied in the most benign manner she thought possible.

He scoffed. “None of their wins were real blowouts, but the ones they lost sure were. Now, those were some real cluster-fucks.”

She knew she had taken a mis-step and sat silently. The speed increased along with the tension in the vehicle. She imagined bubbles of glass surrounding both of them and cringed when he spoke again, cracking them along the fault lines of their relationship. “You know, you talk too much sometimes. You’re not as smart as you think you are and everybody there thought you were way out of line for bringing that up.”

“Nobody thought anything about it,”she said. “Most of them agree with me. I thought you did too.”

“Well, you might be right, but you don’t need to be talking about it around everybody.. People are tired of hearing that shit.” He paused for a moment, his face got red. “Except that guy you kept talking to, maybe. He looked like he was really enjoying himself. That was fucking embarrasing to watch you all over him.”

“People are tired of feeling guilty about it, you mean,” she replied. “They just want to pretend it doesn’t matter anymore.” She pretended he hadn’t mentioned the guy she knew from the gym.

“Well, what’s wrong with that? I’m not keeping anybody down and nobody ever did anything for me.” She opened her mouth, but shut it before a word came out. He took the chance to continue. “All talking about it does is make people get tired of it and want to go back to the way things were.”

“Yeah, that’d be great for you, wouldn’t it,” she said and turned her head to the window,  pressing her temple against the glass and watching the white line meander back and forth  under the wheels of the vehicle. It felt as though the speed was increasing and she didn’t care.

“That’s not fair,” he said. His voice had changed and softened in a familiar manner she’d sworn she wouldn’t fall for again. “I can’t win an argument with you. You’re better at it than I am and are always going to win.” She’d heard this one before and something clicked in her head.

“You say that all the time, but neither one of us is supposed to be winning. It’s a discussion that needs a solution, not a fucking contest to win, but you think it is. In fact, if it was, you’d win every fucking time because you’re willing to say “fuck you.” You know I won’t, though, so you can say whatever you want and then complain that I’m too smart for you to argue with, even though you just said I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m tired of this; Tired of always backing down when you cry that you can’t argue with me. It’s just not fair because you know I won’t say those words that end it, that I won’t put this thing to bed. No, I’ll just keep saying ‘Yes, dear’ when you roll your eyes and talk shit about all your friends to me. All you do is …” Suddenly, her body lurched forward and the seat belt tightened around her body as her mind retreated to a memory of a crash she and her high school boyfriend had gotten into in the country outside of Colorado Springs when an elk had bounded across a winding road in front of them. He had turned the wheel hard, almost flipping the vehicle before it crashed into the guard rail. Since then, she’d hated driving at night outside of the city. Now, he had slammed on the brakes in anger and the truck screeched to a stop after a long, sideways skid in the middle of the road.

She looked over, her eyes wide and her breaths coming in rapid, shallow gasps. He was staring straight ahead, his hands looking like bone gripping the wheel. “Fuck you. You really do think you’re smarter than everyone else and that you are the judge of what good and decent people should think, but you forget I hear you when you’re talking to your friends. I hear you talk about how the neighborhood is changing and the way you change the way you talk when you’re around certain people. You’re not so fucking enlightened all the time, but I don’t call you out for being a hypocrite, You just become a damn paragon of virtue with me when I have a damn opinion you don’t want to agree with.”

They were both breathing heavily now and she could taste metal in her mouth and a soreness was already starting to spread across her body under the still tight seat belt. They stared at each other silently until headlights approached. He looked away and took his foot off the brake and turned the wheel to straighten the wheels on the road. They passed the oncoming vehicle and proceeded at a slower pace towards home. Her breathing slowed, but she could feel her heart beating in her chest. She looked down and saw a text notification on her phone, but she didn’t reach for it.

After a few minutes, he broke the silence. “I’m going to need to get the tires checked tomorrow They might have flat spots on them. I don’t have to be at work until late, so I’ll take it in when I get up. It’ll be ready in time for Valentine’s Day.” He paused for a beat, but she didn’t take him up on the offer so he continued. “Don’t worry, I made plans for us.” She still didn’t reply and pressed her head against the glass again, the white line now solid under her eyes, leading her somewhere else.